idesdemona's non-existent life

the bigger, the better?

2007-03-02T19:15:00.000+08:00

i haven't been p0sting - i knOw it's been quite some time... as per my usual excuse, i was super busy...

nOw that i've started t0 post again, i have sOo0 many things gg on in my mind right nOw (and s0o many bl0gsites to update), i'm actually feeling muffed up all inside me.

well, firstly - am i really not seeing the big picture?

was that actually the reason why i got so upset that i almost threw my life away?
(... and that action has left quite an imprint, which 0thers around me are p0litely not pOinting out that they have it remaining in their heads...) i lost time, i lost m0ney, i lost faith (did i regain that?) - i lOst others' faith in me, when i actually th0ught i was verbalising the silent vOice...

secondly, n0w that i'm back, (n have learnt that it wasn't wOrth it), am i agreeing that it's because i didn't see the big picture? am i starting to feel again what was l0st? or, am i just carrying On, trying to pick up the leftover pieces and h0pefully making up, as much as i can, for watever was l0st? big picture? your guess is as gOod as mine...

thirdly, the year didn't actually start better (i actually thought it would impr0ve, over last year at least. Actually, maybe that is why i stOpped writing - i thought things would impr0ve, but they never did, so nOw i'm immune, and i just c0ntinue like a robOt. a robot doesn't blog, d0es it?), but i'm actually staying On, feeling more and m0re needed, and am actually cOnsidering staying, despite all that are thr0wn at me, year after year after year. Am i finally seeing the big picture? or am i just lazy?

wat it's all about???
:
how big is the picture?
:
:
:
or does that depend on me?...

~am i regretting?~

wat does it take to end a marriage?

2006-06-27T09:25:00.000+08:00

Is the above question relevant? Shouldn't the real issue be: what it takes to keep a relationship going?

To be or not to be, that is the question.
To be what? To be divorced? To be a couple? To be happy? To be content? Or is it just to be sane - to maintain one's level of thought?

Maintaining a relationship is definitely not easy, which is why many people end up in divorce, I guess... However, it brings me to thinking - how the hell did the couples in olden times manage to remain married, without even knowing each other in the first place? Think about it: they barely knew each other, may not even have laid eyes on each other before, and they took vows to spend their lives eternally together!!! And they don't end up separated, divorced, etc! Heck, they don't even seem to quarrel!! How did they do that? What is it that they have, that they're doing right, that the couples nowadays don't? Patience? Love? Give-and-take? Acceptance? WHAT???

In fact, isn't it better that we get to know our partners before we end up stuck to them for the rest of our lives? Maybe, that is the problem - maybe, we should NOT know our partners before we marry them. Perhaps, we may then have a greater chance of maintaining the marriage and not end up in divorce. Maybe...

i believe.

2006-06-16T17:57:00.000+08:00

i believe in the sun

even when it's n0t shining

i believe in g0d

even when i d0n't see him

i believe in l0ve

even when i don't feel it

~i believe in me

even when i am d0wn~

wat a job! wat a laife!!!

2006-05-25T13:44:00.000+08:00

i blame my mom for this!!! for this torture, this super-heavy-duty commitment, this heart-wrenching heartache, this oh-so-achy bodyache, this super-multitasking development that makes me seem like a madman, ...

this bliss...

wat am i...? does it matter?

2006-05-15T13:23:00.000+08:00

i was reading my sec 3 students' bl0gs - their assignment regarding their pers0nal attributes and what makes them them, h0w they came to realise wh0 they are t0day...

i read them, and i'm very, very glad t0 see that my students are actually thinking individuals - they do kn0w, to a certain extent, wh0 they are and why they are such... this reflection, th0ugh it may n0t seem much to 0thers, is invaluable to me, as it heartens me to know that my kids are ... human. (i know, wat mush... wat to d0, i'm lit to the c0re!)

0ne of the reas0ns why i gave them the assignment was to make them think, reflect abt themselves as a human, and h0pefully, extend this thinking to 0thers, as in, put themselves in others' sh0es... okay, i may n0t have achieved the latter, but i believe it will come so0n... i definitely see the p0tential!!!

i went thru this pr0cess myself (not that i'm saying i'm a w0nderful person n0w... heheh) and i really believed that it made me a better person... m0re human, actually... nevertheless, i 0nly realised this reflecting capability a few years ag0, after being with a wonderful pers0n who made me think m0re humanly than i thought p0ssible 0f myself. of course, i may have started reflecting much, much earlier with0ut realising tt i was actually d0ing it, especially abt my life, but i am consci0us of it now more than ever... i think it's very, very imp0rtant that one reflects c0nsciously... otherwise, the reflecti0n(s) may come t0 naught [wat a scary t0t]... as in, when i wasn't reflecting consci0usly, i did realise certain things abt myself, but when i did it c0nsciously, i 'ev0lved' to be 0ne who reflects abt h0w other pe0ple may be feeling to0, and i felt i became m0re human, as i then did n0t wish to make 0thers feel as shitty as i did...

if i were t0 write abt the pr0cesses i went thru t0 reach this stage of kn0wing myself, it'll be pages n pages, and i'll be ign0ring more of my marking (wat a nice t0t!!! ;P) !!! but enuff said, i think my kids are smart and human enuff t0 understand wat i'm like w/o having me to spell it 0ut to them...

and... it makes us understand one an0ther more, i h0pe... (Gosh, i'm really pr0ud of them! ewww!!! ;P)

huMan reLati0nS - waT elsE cd Be mOre imPortAnt? isN't th@t waT lifE is alL aBt? giVe mE 0ne, jUst onE, eXampLe
of s0MeOne wH0's haPpY wiTh hiS/hEr lIfe wheN tHeiR huMan rElatiOnshiPs aRe
unSetTled...

~yes, it matters... definitely~

double standards? or fickle-minded?

2006-05-10T00:06:00.000+08:00

it's interesting to see how a person's standards can change... and does this apply only to lady bosses? don't male bosses have double standards too? are they never fickle? (and you know damn well i'm not talking about their loyalty to partners here...)

therefore, if my boss changes its mind, (or standards, as it were, in my case...) it wd have to mean that my job standards wd have to change, too, wdn't it? so, since i'm the carry-out-er, it wd seem to others tt it's MY freaking standards tt have changed, wdn't it? it wd seem that I'M the freaking one who's inconsistent, etc...

BUT, if i DON'T follow, it wd then mean i'm not a good worker, not a good subordinate, incapable of adaptability, carrying out orders, etc...

So, CHOOSE -

left f0ot or right fo0t: to be shot...

~a leader???~

wat's happening?!!!

2006-05-03T12:30:00.000+08:00

i was "enlightened" by my colleagues regarding what my students are actually smsing to each other nowadays, and my instant thought bubble, "OMG!!! wat's happening?! am i like that?! am i that bad?!"

actual fact is, I'm not that bad, i'm not like that, not nearly as crude, at least. Nevertheless, it doesn't make me any better, cos the intentions are the same.

I guess that was a reality check slapping right across my face cos, deep down, I know that such things are happening, but i never wanted to face it, i guess. When I hear about it, i try not to be judgemental, but when it happens right in front of my eyes, i cdn't take it. WHY? i donno... worse still, i have been believing that such is the norm, and the individual itself has to decide its own lifepath. Do i even believe in my own principles then? Does the fact that these are kids make them less viable for their own actions? i teach them to have their own values, but now i can't help but make it for them and insist that they follow... WHY??

Does the fact that these are students make the situation, or rather, my reaction thus? Or is it because they are MY students?
Is it age? It is race? Is it relations?

Or am I OMGing because of the mirror put in front of me?

The smses were crude but loving. or is it loving but crude? then , does the fact that i'm not as crude make me any better? or doesn't it???

~i'm teaching them but what is teaching?~

should i believe wat is said?

2006-05-01T12:32:00.000+08:00

this blog was actually set up for my kids, my lifeline at the moment - the reason why i do the things i most single-handedly don't believe in doing...

i hate teaching, but i love teaching... so i guess, i hate being a teacher, but i love teaching my kids. believe it or not, i love them. as much as i hate them, i love them, as much as they hate me, i know they need me. and i want them to need me... why? they give me more heartache than i care to imagine, they make me want to give up, and yet i don't. is this hope? is this love? is this... crap? i think so. but i'm still wanting this crap...

there are so many things happening in one's life at a single moment... believe it or not, even as an adult, as someone who's supposed to guide others, there are many aspects in my life i'm not handling too well. But, given a chance to live it all over, i would do it exactly the same... y? i donno... faith? maybe... fate? maybe... life? definitely.

so many people say so many things to me, but do i listen? should i? are they worth listening to? are they jugding me for wat is best for me, or wat is best for them? how do they know wat's best for me when they haven't lived my life?

as such, the values that i'm trying to instill in my kids - are they values for me or for them? how do i judge wat's good for them? am i instilling wat i'm instilling thru discipline because i believe in those values, or because it's my job? do i even believe in my job? am i being a hypocrite like what i despise in others?

somehow, i believe that society is making me be a hypocrite, and in order to survive, i am being one. there are so many things i don't believe in, but i need to do. as much as i hate it, the more hypocritical i am, the more i'm seen as someone with potential... the potential to deceive? sheesh... such is life? maybe i shd just end it all...

how?

ahh... life..!

2006-03-07T10:52:00.000+08:00

Why the hell am I doing what I am doing?