the bigger, the better?

i haven't been p0sting - i knOw it's been quite some time... as per my usual excuse, i was super busy...

nOw that i've started t0 post again, i have sOo0 many things gg on in my mind right nOw (and s0o many bl0gsites to update), i'm actually feeling muffed up all inside me.

well, firstly - am i really not seeing the big picture?

was that actually the reason why i got so upset that i almost threw my life away?
(... and that action has left quite an imprint, which 0thers around me are p0litely not pOinting out that they have it remaining in their heads...) i lost time, i lost m0ney, i lost faith (did i regain that?) - i lOst others' faith in me, when i actually th0ught i was verbalising the silent vOice...

secondly, n0w that i'm back, (n have learnt that it wasn't wOrth it), am i agreeing that it's because i didn't see the big picture? am i starting to feel again what was l0st? or, am i just carrying On, trying to pick up the leftover pieces and h0pefully making up, as much as i can, for watever was l0st? big picture? your guess is as gOod as mine...

thirdly, the year didn't actually start better (i actually thought it would impr0ve, over last year at least. Actually, maybe that is why i stOpped writing - i thought things would impr0ve, but they never did, so nOw i'm immune, and i just c0ntinue like a robOt. a robot doesn't blog, d0es it?), but i'm actually staying On, feeling more and m0re needed, and am actually cOnsidering staying, despite all that are thr0wn at me, year after year after year. Am i finally seeing the big picture? or am i just lazy?

wat it's all about???
:
how big is the picture?
:
:
:
or does that depend on me?...

~am i regretting?~